im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
