If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
