just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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