This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
