I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Randomize
