She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
