I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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