from now on my penis is your penis
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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