Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
