u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
