i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
