I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
