I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
In America we eat man semen.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
