She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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