Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He shit in the fireplace
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