you have to choose: penises or morals?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
