Where did you get a picture of my penis
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
