Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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