just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
