I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I think people are normalizing furries
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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