You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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