I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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