where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
3 2 1 whiskey
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
