mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
