So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
