I think scott just propositioned me for sex
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
