I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize