Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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