I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Randomize
