we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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