i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
