a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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