What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I cockslap morals
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize