he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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