i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize