Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
