it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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