I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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