1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
false alarm. still invincible.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I just gargled with NyQuil
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
