Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
