I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize