you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
