vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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