Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
