I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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