are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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