Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
