If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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