tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
