We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
