I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
