Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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