Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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