Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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