Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Randomize
