her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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