I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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