Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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