I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
She has the best kind of daddy issues
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
