batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
