but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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