so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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