The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
