He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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