wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
