i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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